cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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