just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
