Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
