I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
