When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
