at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
