Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
