you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
