I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
