I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
