I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
