The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I could fuck to npr.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
