I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
