i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
