The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
