If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
