I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He better not be in your backpack
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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