Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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