I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
