from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
