the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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