I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
