i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
