Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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