You're so nebulous sometimes
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
