My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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