Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
