he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My dick has a subreddit
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
