Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
