Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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