Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
