You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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