I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
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he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
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I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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