Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
