looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
