Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
