My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
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Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
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We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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