I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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