life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
