You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
