I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
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