So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
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did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
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I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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