The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
