is your mom at the bar?
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
