I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
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She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
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Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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