Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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