Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
