i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
