just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
