Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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