Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
