Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
