At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
