It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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