you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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