break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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