I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
