Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
