dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
